Coaches Corner.

I suppose the place to start is where have I been, conspicuous by my absence. I haven’t been sitting in a cave with a spider writing crap poetry nobody can understand, I haven’t been sitting on a beach in the Bahamas in a force ten gale with Geoff Collie, I haven’t been shining the bench at the Saints with Dan Richmond and I haven’t been sitting in a dark room contemplating why the first XV can’t string two performances together.
However I have been training twice a week, I have been to every game, I have been to the Gentleman’s evening (couldn’t decied who was the biggest ar*e the comedian or Colin McAllister but I know who in our first team ran the “ladies” close to having the cutest one) and I have been busy now I am a Fire Service British Lion.
Today’s literary piece will be in the form of a newsletter with the count down to Christmas, as I can’t report on every game since my last coaches corner. As in every newsletter there will be good news and bad news first the:

Good News.

1. My jaw is just returning to normal after being locked in a permanent smiling/gloating position after the comprehensive beating of the old rival Kettering RFC. A pleasing afternoon to win five tries to one but a frustrating afternoon to ask where has that mindset been all season.

“12 players training”

2. Gary Simpson has been able to return to work following a back injury. His chiropractor said he had received a repetitive strain injury to the back due to constant bending and stooping. Gary can only put this down to one thing and that’s the constant picking up and clearing the pitch of toys after they have been thrown from the pram following a first team backs training session.

“11 games remaining”

3. We have a new player to the club in the form of Rhys Cookie Junior. He has already the trademarks of his father in that he tries to drink too much and then burps, farts and pukes. Rhys however has the good grace to puke down his father and not all over number one changing room. We all wish Greg, Stacey and Rhys future happiness.

“10 committee winging”

4. Our osteopath Rachael said he is officially the biggest “stiffy” in the club following his pre-season medical, Dan Richmond described him as the only second row he knows who doesn’t actually jump but Owen has progressed as a driver to the extent we no longer have to put an adult in his car when we travel away.

“9 pints  awaiting”

5. We have £500 in the first XV Christmas drinky pooh fund.

“8 forwards prancing”

6. Kev Martin’s third degree burns to the posterior are healing nicely and the blisters are all but gone. Kev showing true commitment befitting the vice captain deceided he would make his own rules up after being given post match recovery procedures from a Saints professional. The instructions were 1 minute cold shower/1 minute hot shower for a total of 10 minutes. Kev however deceided to have a 5 minute ice bath until he had a heart rate of 10 beats a minute and could no longer feel his lower body. His good lady then manhandled out of the bath (no mean feat) and leant him on the radiator. It wasn’t until 10 minutes later when she could smell bacon frying that she realized Kev’s ar*e was on fire. He however had frozen all his nerve endings and could feel nowt, now that’s ard.

“7 normally hurting”

7. Who said the education system would never work, Johny Ironmonger who is nearly a teacher no longer stands on his head to show the ref his boots. Reading and writing to follow.
“6 men a rucking ”

8. Everybody looks smart in their new sponsored shirts or they would do if Milan hadn’t have ordered XXL for everybody.” What size are you Malc, ok that will do for everybody”.
“5 Ginger Tossers”

9. The mini juniors are going from strength to strength as Graham Warrior and Steve Church take the knowledge they glean from Dan Richmond and myself and apply it to the U/12’s. However they can’t understand why an eleven year old can’t do a double dummy miss move with the 15 breaking and 11 as an arrowhead on 10 as a decoy.

“4 Great Coaches”

10. Malc Crooks and Grant Cook have become wannabe coaches and are currently working with Paul Franklin and Geoff Collie teaching the U/17’s. The U/17’s now know how to throw a good right hand and run around all day like a mad thing without actually touching the ball. Commendable guys.

“3 blind officials”

11.The coaching fraternity of Dan Richmond, John Sleightholme, Adey Mitchell and Geoff Collie has reached new heights of excellence (if John and Dan say they are six foot tall that’s exactly what they are), we are becoming that convincing we are actually starting to believe are own bullsh*t.

“2 Cups awaiting”
12. Unfortunately my mum has been very ill just recently and I thank you for all your kind messages but she is now back on the mend. Hoorah!

“And S&L  for Midlands 2”

and now for the:

Bad News.

There is no bad news; the club is positive, vibrant and full of festive spirit.

This weeks literary challenge is:

Following our win against Kettering I could be described as being “jactatous”

Adey Mitchell